16th November 2018

It’s okay to admit you’re having a tough time, a rough time, a terrible time – mentally and emotionally.

It’s okay to say I’m not okay. I think I need help.

I need help.

At the advice of my friend (hallo Franiel), I’m trying to take each day as it comes and be present in the moment, but what I’m trying to do with that is to identify the thoughts and feelings I have experienced within that day.

How I’m doing that is by keeping a diary, which focuses more on this as opposed to what has actually HAPPENED in the day. I’m trying to come to terms with the reasons why I may feel a certain way, but also understanding that sometimes there simply is no explanation to why I feel completely shit.

I tend to put a blanket of “I’m fine” over everything, and I think it’s been very detrimental to my mental wellbeing over the course of the last few months.

If you don’t know, my dad passed away in August and since I got back from Ghana I’ve had a cascade of activities to keep me occupied.

Grief is a funny thing, and there’s no real way/right way to go through it. Therefore, I must recognise that I am allowed to go through this in the way I can.

Through poetry, I have been able to verbalise what I’m going through and the fact I have actively tried not to think about it. It’s too hard and it’s too painful to think of how unfair it is.

But it’s not just the passing of my dad which makes me feel sad.

I’m sad about the world.
I’m sad about feeling unloved (despite knowing that I am).
I’m sad about feeling inadequate.
I’m sad about feeling hopeless.
I’m sad about feeling alone (despite knowing that I’m not).

I believe it is okay for me to feel these things, despite there being no “reason”’why I should because I should feel grateful about x, y and z.

Being positive all the time, I now believe, is bad. You simply cannot do it because ignoring the negative means you do not face it, you do not work through this.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, especially as I am genuinely writing this at work (I should probably take my lunch now), but I think it’s more as a reminder to me that I am allowed to talk about it and feel and express.

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